I never want to see another naked old woman again.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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