Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize