I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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