The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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