The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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