I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
