Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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