i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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