Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
