Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Is it penis luge time yet?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize