Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
