The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
