you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
