is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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