I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
