Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dignity is for republicans.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
