I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
PANTIES FOUND
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