also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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