If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
