I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
