Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
