I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
