It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
