I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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