There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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