I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
