It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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