Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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