u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
