you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
