the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
