I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
