does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
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