got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
