True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
