I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
