I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
