I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
