Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
