the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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