dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
