why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
