I think im going to throw up on grandma
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
