tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
