her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
