He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
