she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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