i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
