I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
