A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
