it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You pole danced in your parka.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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