I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
