when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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