I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
