she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
