yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
