Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i barfeds in our rink
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
