Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
