first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The air taste purple.
Randomize