I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
