Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
cat food counts as protein by the way
There r osticjed everywhere
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
