my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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