remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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